When good intentions go bad

Even though I was snubbed in my sexy lingerie yesterday afternoon when a spontaneous sex moment (and if you’re a parent you know how scarce that word actually is in your vocabulary) presented itself, I shoved aside my bruised ego and tried again last night.

I have to give myself a little pat on the back for my dedication to:

1. Trying again.
2. Getting close to naked when the weather was ‘brass monkies’  (although did cheat slightly  by using a heater so perhaps this kudos doesn’t count).

And that’s as far as I can go with any self praise because the evening, yet again, had all the promise of a spectacular disaster.

So, I didn’t do the whole waitress ensemble.  I put on black fishnet stockings and my new shoes (which I am terribly in love with).  Nothing else.  Just me naked (and freaking cold).

I was under the impression that men got turned on with JUST the dress up and lingerie thing.  Apparently for my husband, this isn’t the case.  As he laid back and I straddled him I noticed that vacant look in his eyes.  Nothing was moving either (apart, perhaps,  from his eyes which I swear were rolling a little).

After a while, with more ego deflation for me and boredom for him, I asked what I could do to make the situation better.  We’d sort of lost the moment by now so we talked and I learnt I had to have the attitude to go with the stockings and shoes.  Last night I didn’t so nothing really did it for him.

Lesson #1 – Sexy underwear doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have the rest of the package.

Not to be put off, and to show my determination, I put my back up plan into action.  I wanted to read some erotic literature to him.Great.  Only I didn’t think I’d need a ‘plan B’ so I hadn’t prepared anything.  I got out my laptop, went to Literotica and picked a story.  It started off really well, in a bizarre way, then flopped because it turned out to be half of a fictional dream. You never really got to the juicy bits.

You know you’re on to a loser when your partner keeps asking you if you’d rather go to sleep.

Lesson #2 – Pick your erotic story in advance and make sure it includes erotic elements

I did give up after that and we settled on ‘vanilla’ sex.  A girl can only do so much.